Never to late

It is hard to know that I am capable of experiencing happiness but not able to make it the lasting or enduring kind. As this plane gently flies me away from what I know – false and temporary – I dream of days that I could hold on to that feeling just a little bit longer. Because I think that I could live a life filled with sun and jokes and a beer. Moments freckle  my memory of times I felt I fit in. And I know it sounds silly. But that kind of simple joy in my life has come and gone but never stayed. Slipping like sand though my finger tips – clenched so tight trying to hold on. Yet here I am, day after day, forcing myself though square holes in round places. I had forsaken instinct, abandon spontaneity. I am not supposed to be on this plane. I know that I have challenged fate – that so willingly gave me another chance.

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Concord, Massachusetts

Infinite

It’s all so incomprehensibly wonderful
that sometimes I’m wildly depressed
because I can’t take it all in

"It’s all there. Everything you ever needed. Everything you ever wanted. Everything you ever desired – is inside."

Nobody is going to find you standing in the dark.

Turn the light on.

Monologue

They talk with mouths wide open and chins to chest
spewing forth ideas as old and ancient as a handmade quilt
draped over an even older, worn out couch
thoughts forgotten and antiquated sit idly in the corner
covered in a multitude of layers of neglect
dust caught in the cracks where promises and memories lay
and amidst the debris of broken dreams and cardboard boxes
filled with cassette tapes and old magazines
that fall one by one pasted teeth and intentions
is it possible to remain unaffected by the sheer weight of words
or the claustrophobia of a conversion not meant for two

Farsighted

I want the unobtainable, the impossible. Only what exists in another world, a million miles away. There is where you can find me, bleary eyed and dreaming. I am counterfeit in any other way. I exist only to yearn for more. Occupying environments that are never the right temperature, wearing clothing that are never the right fit. No altitude will satisfy this lust for oxygen, not even heaven is high enough to breathe.

I want your random acts of kindness…

I don’t care what anyone thinks or does. I will continue to smile. For every reason that is selfish or not.

My mind never seems to want to be where it is. Sometimes I feel like I’m just holding on to it for dear life. As if one day it might float away into outer space. Envision an old weathered cowboy trying to lasso a wild horse. Some things in life are just futile. It’s the calm in the storm that is my destination. And as if I’m a glutton for punishment, I strangely enjoy pushing myself beyond it’s capacities. Sometimes it’s nice to feel even if it might be distress.

You don’t have to understand me. You just have to believe that someday you will.

Dream For Me

I don’t dream so much, anymore. Not like when I was younger. Back when my room was painted in a pale shade of green – which to my parents dismay, I had covered with (what I considered) brilliant works of art. Acrylic paint in every shade and on every surface illustrating an endless imagination.

Now my walls are white and every image is held in sharp clean frames. No untamed markers, no spontaneous globs of paint and no clippings of magazines adorn the walls any longer. Though, I must say, it looks much nicer this way – I can’t help but feel that it mirrors much more than my years of maturity. Every image contained and controlled and strategically placed at eye level.

Don’t get me wrong, my life is wonderful and I’m grateful for everyday I rise and every night I rest my eyes. But I can’t help but feel a sense of nostalgia for those insensible, unobtainable and uncensored dreams. I can’t help but miss that fading teal color that seemed to represent the naive sense of endless possibilities. An imagination untainted by the world and the work week. A mind without limitations or boarders. I always hated those green walls until I had ones with no color at all.